Posts tagged ‘Relationship’

Letting Go – poem by Joe Pfeffer

An adult seagull (Larus michahellis)

Image via Wikipedia

I’d like to introduce you to the poetry of Joe Pfeffer, a new friend I made at a poetry reading at Hartford Coffee Company in Saint Louis, MO.  I will be featuring more of Joe’s work in the days ahead while I continue on a break.

. . .

Letting Go

When it was
Over, she told him not to care
Because he’d seen it all before.

He’d heard her voice,
He’d seen her cry when she was sure
No one would look.

He said they all can
See the way you take that flute and
Make it into fire,

The way you hold the moon
In both your hands then
Let it float away as though

You never knew the terror in the
Seagull’s yawp of triumph.
Go now, she said, and do not

Think of me, but of your
Heart no longer empty,
And your soul no longer free.

                     ~ Joseph Pfeffer (copyright 2011)

I Listened to a Book Today – poem

Cover of "A Wind in the Door"

Cover of A Wind in the Door

I want to tell you that this poem is a true testimony to perseverance and friendship. I rewrote the poem 11 times with the help of generous and constructive feedback – not just on this poem, but my writing in general – from my forum friends at Poetry Here And Now As may be already apparent, I write much of my poetry under the pseudonym Callisse J. DeTerre. Besides, those special friends I’ve mentioned above, I’d like to dedicate this poem to all the people who helped instill in me a love of reading and those like my good friend and youth services regional librarian, Krista Rakers of Saint Louis Public Libraries, who aim to do the same with the young of today. Reading redefines reality! Read, read, read and use your library to save a few trees!

I Listened to a Book Today

From a volume my mother
bought for me, More Tell Me Why,
I learned, at eight, my cat
could be frozen by a centipede.
By ten, The Narnia collection complete,
I traveled through A Wind In the Door
to lose myself in the Tao Te Ching.
Then Again Maybe I Won’t
unlocked the mysteries of men
but it was just the seed.

Filled with my search for connection –
Scripture, Jung and Chemistry –
my prep school book bag weighed in at
thirty pounds, with texts alone.
At twenty, reality struck –
people kill trees to answer me!
Now, at forty, I can hardly breathe.
So, today, as if to atone,
I listened to a book,
but it didn’t speak to me.

~Callisse J. Land, copyright 25 April 2011, revised 27 June 2011

Nevermind the World – poem

How Do I Love Thee!

Image by charissa1066 via Flickr

Nevermind The World

You’ll call
Something has happened
I won’t ask
I’ll jump in the car, no coat
Every red light lasts too long

You’ll giggle
Something delights you
I won’t ask
I’ll follow your gaze to a caterpillar
Every little thing is cause to celebrate

You’ll knock
Your cheeks wet, eyes red
I won’t ask
Your sobs will drench my shoulder
The silence will be loud and long

You’ll laugh
Your belly bouncing with each breath
I won’t ask
Your eyes will bubble like champagne
That’s reason enough to celebrate

You’ll reach out
Eventually we all need help
You won’t ask
I’ll cast others aside, jump in
No professional could last as long

You’ll chuckle
Eventually we must choose humor
You won’t ask
I’ll wipe away the chocolate pie
No mess will negate what we celebrate

You’ll ask
Your arms weak, hands cold
I won’t mind
Your joy will be my agenda that day
Our time together may not be long

You’ll smile
Your eyes fixed on me, my face
I’ll smile too
You mean what you say in that way
Together another day, I’ll celebrate

You’ll wonder
Do I mean anything to the world?
Nevermind
You mean the world to me
I could never celebrate you too long

Two Ships That Crash in the Night: Bipolar, Personality, Relationships

The Starry Night

Image via Wikipedia

Failed relationships amongst people with Bipolar occurs for multiple reason, almost all of which are rectifiable, so there IS HOPE.  1) Ignorance – educate yourself about Bipolar in a way that you can accurately relay it to others besides just explaining how you “feel” or what you “do”. Gain more of a medical understanding. From there, consider how and when to educate others – my Journal entry, “Do You Hear Me? Are You With Me?” may be helpful. 2) Alienation – Persons with Bipolar have a low tolerance for distress and difficulty with emotional regulation. All people when highly stressed, revert to unhealthy coping skills and make unhealthy choices.  When we do so, we alienate (push away) others. As we make healthier coping skills habit, learn distress tolerance and emotional regulation techniques, employ tactics for reducing our overall stress-load and make amends for past harmful actions, we ill see improvements in our relationships. Although originally designed for the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is fast becoming the method most successful in treating a variety of disorders marked by emotional dysregulation, including Bipolar Disorder. DBT is an interactive educational therapy, usually presented to a group in a class with the support of individual DBT coaching to learn application of the techniques to personal circumstances. However, even if it is not available in your area, you are not without options. There is a DBT workbook just for persons with Bipolar. You can also check out http://www.dbtselfhelp.com. Therapy in general is a key component of treatment for Bipolar. 3) Withdrawal – Whether because we feel misunderstood, we’re afraid of hurting others or of embarrassing ourselves, or because getting out just seems like too much effort, we CHOOSE to withdraw. Isolating ourselves is probably the worst thing to do if we want recovery but the easiest thing to cling to if we want to avoid change. Recovery requires change. Change necessitates loss. Loss leads to grief. The process of grief, until resolved, is unpleasant. When the pain of remaining the same is more than the pain of change, it is then that we begin to recover. For most o f us, recovery is stop and start. Far too many people stop here and don’t start again. That is called choosing misery. Misery is the opposite of joy. It is an attitude in action, reject and retreat. Misery is not to be confused with sadness, an emotional response to stimuli. It also is not depression, a neurobiological response to a chemical imbalance caused by genetic defect, neurological damage or the exhaustion of our ability to cope. Being miserable is a cognitive response, sometimes a subconscious one, to our emotions. 4) Personality Disorder – The Personality Disorders Described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) were designed to reflect the natural tendencies of all persons when highly stressed. When unhealthy patterns of relating to others becomes habitually, usually due to diminished coping resources or prolonged high levels of stress, and create disorder (a repeated inability to function in a way beneficial to one’s progress toward self-actualization) in a person’s life, such person usually meets the criteria for a Personality Disorder. It should be easy to see why persons with one of the major psychiatric conditions is also likely to have a Personality Diagnosis. However, it is SO common that many psychiatrist don’t bother making a separate diagnosis. Most therapists operate under an assumption that such a diagnosis exists, with certain ones being more common to each of the various Axis I diagnoses, which in turn often gives them a clue to appropriate areas of focus for intervention. Whether a “full-fledged” Personality Disorder exists or not, our common patterns of relating that arise from our struggle with Bipolar, rather than the actual symptoms of Bipolar are more often the cause of our failed relationships than anything else. This is one of the most compelling reasons to enter long-term therapy with an appropriately trained professional. Armed with this knowledge and these suggestions, you can put an end to loneliness as soon as you are ready. I am on the journey myself. Come join me.

Little Brother, Love Your Mother

mother in nuclear family

Image via Wikipedia

[Author’s note: This article was copied and reposted without permission from the author on another WordPress Website which seems to mostly or only consist of such reposting. I appreciate that the blogger at least included my name, but the action was nonetheless immoral and disrespectful. Still, the blog itself is a nice collection of articles. I have not included it on my regular blogroll or below, but for the sake of my readers, I want you to know it is called “Kids Say”.]

Young man, your mom may not be complaining but I bet she doesn’t hear from you much and usually doesn’t know how to reach you. Daughters and moms are a little different. My mom lives 6 hours away and can track me down within 4 hours max. Mothers never stop being moms and as age steals away control over their own lives, they start looking for more control over their kids’ again. The more control you give the way you want to give it, the less frantic attempts will be at control where and when you don’t want it.
I’m going to play big sis/mentor again. Please out of courtesy to the role of mothers who will always worry, stay connected. How? 1) Call your mom at least weekly (maybe even set a day to be “update” day), visit her (even just stop by) every 2 weeks, take extra time for her at least monthly (longer conversation or visit, a movie together, etc), and (until you are married) spend every major holiday with her even if it isn’t right on the date. 2) At least monthly, ask her advice (for anything, even if you don’t need it or follow it) or tell her how something she’s previously taught you (however little) has helped you. 3) Figure out what her love “buzz” word is. Does she like to be “admired, appreciated, adored” or asked what her opinion is? Actively look for opportunities to use the buzz word frequently. 4) Acknowledge her anxieties (which sometimes may get expressed as anger) spoken and unspoken, then respond with compromise (give into extra caution when it’s not a big deal and give her firm evidence to counter her fears) 5) Never be unreachable. Choose when you communicate, but make sure she has a few friends’ numbers for emergencies. Check your messages often and respond within a day or less, acknowledging when you got the msg.  Your mom needs you as much as you once needed her, and you need her still even if you don’t realize how.
She’s always gonna be a mother and you’ve given her oodles of reason to worry.You’ll always be her “baby”.  Remember that you were intimately tied to her at one time; letting go of you is like letting go  of a part of herself. Even when a mother barely acts like a mom, there is that biological bond that men can never understand. Accept her concern with empathy and remember that her world is getting smaller as she ages while yours is getting bigger. Don’t carve her too far out of it; she’ll be gone before you know it.
I’m coming from a place of experience, saying this while I’m watching my mom’s health decline and my brother get frustrated with her such that he doesn’t want to “deal” with her as much. My mom is clinging hard to me, but I’m not resenting it anymore. Someday, she won’t be able to cling and I will be the one who doesn’t want to let go. And the things that once annoyed me, I now see as the fruit of her upbringing and all that has influenced her through her life. I use humor to draw gentle boundaries and remind her with admiration of who she was and what she was doing at my age. I remind her what she’s taught me and acknowledge I was a slow learner. I remind her that she doesn’t have to be a perfect mom and that my mistakes are not due to her lack of effort. I remind her that SHE is still growing too.
Anyway, mother-child relationships are often at the heart of our “hard times” in life. Sometimes the solution is a just a little companionship, simply showing interest by calling or listening. I hope the most important thing I’ve helped you do is grow up. Learn from my experience little brother. My mistakes aren’t worth repeating.

I Could Not Say, I Love You – poem

rough heart crop of Windows Sunset sample pic

My Very Dear Friend,
I don’t know what to say, but I must say it
My Self is restless with words
so I will listen,
refrain from restraining,
speak the Truth the self conceals
I knew you before
I know you now

I left my body a couple of times
to a different place, plane –
I don’t know that it needs a name
I arrived into an emptiness so full
full of what? full of light?
We engaged face to face
I felt serene, unthreatened
looking into your eyes
it seemed a long while
and you heard me say,
I Love You, though I spoke
not one word

I hadn’t noticed
the light within us grew
until we were apart
but together
each a part of the fullness
that at once surrounds us and
fills us until we are emptied
of our selves
We are Christ for each other
Namaste, one Self to Another

Until now, I could not,
my ego would not
let me say what I did not say –
the words you heard, though unuttered
because I was afraid
the polluted definition of love
would prevail in your mind
and I’d lose the Love that I had
yet to feel or understand
We are Love to one another
I know Love now, but I’ll forget again

So I forgive the ignorance of my
trepidatious self
who would not, could not
choose Peace
who would not, could not
say I Love You
Now I have shared the Love
shared my Self, let my Self be seen
because in this moment
I choose to no longer
fear the Conqueror of All Fear

Our world has learned to be
afraid of love; me too, but
sometimes I love you so much
I cry and that’s the reason why
I have listened to my Self,
uninterrupted, speak the Truth
I love you, I Love You
Here’s to the memories,
– that they remain vivid
so the words never need
be uttered again

copyright 12/27/2010 by Callisse J. DeTerre

When Friends Disappoint: The Case of Few Partners in Prayer

"Praying Hands" (study for an Apostl...

Image via Wikipedia

It seems that often times, Spirit speaks to me as I’m speaking to others. I’ve decided that such responses are applicable answers to the issues of many more than the one person to whom I’m writing, so I’ve decided to change some key details, so as to share them with you all. This is probably the first in a non-sequential series.

Recently, after a long absence from a social site, I returned to discover a post from a friend that she was disappointed that only a very few of her hundreds of Socialsite Pals had joined her only intermittently to pray for the victims of the disasters in Japan. She declared that she didn’t want to be Pals with such unloving people.

This was my response…

Dearest Kyoko, I can see from your story about not being joined in prayer, that you were very hurt emotionally.  I don’t ever think a person is wrong to express feelings. I noticed though that you used the phrase “call people on the rug”, asserting that it was the right thing to do. To me, this implies judgement. Perhaps you don’t mean it that way. In any case, it is not always wrong to express judgement, but we must do so very cautiously. So, I just want to share a few thoughts, not to correct you, but only to spur your reflection on the matter. I’m well aware I don’t know the details of the situation for any involved. Please don’t feel obligated to explain or feel that you must defend yourself. I’m just going to throw out some scenarios. What doesn’t apply, you can ignore.

You said you were praying hourly. I wonder how many of your Socialsite Pals even knew. The way Socialsite picks “top stories” for my Frontpage, sometimes I forget to click over to “most recent” and miss important stories. Other times, when I’ve been long absent or a lot of people have published, I might miss someone’s story that is hardly an hour old because I get tired of scrolling back. (Granted, this doesn’t happen as much on my current Socialsite account because I’ve limited my Pals but it’s a frequent occurrence on the site I use most!) And perhaps others, like myself, were not even on Socialsite. Now of the ones left, some may have been praying and not publishing. Some may be of the type who have hearts of prayer, offering up prayer for the intentions of those in need or in concert with the intentions of those they care about without remembering all of the details to pray specific words, but nonetheless God hears their prayers just as loudly. Some may have offered fewer prayers but with a deep sincerity that few can manage. Some may have desired to be in hourly prayer with you but could not, perhaps because of exhaustion or obligations to family. We all have different callings. Further, intercession is a spiritual gift. It is not everyone’s gift, and it is no better or worse a gift than any other.

What I’m really trying to say, Kyoko, is that it benefits us and others to believe the best of others unless we have hard evidence to the contrary. Where evidence exists, confrontation is best made directly and privately, allowing the person to make amends rather than potentially shaming them such that they turn further from God. Even when evidence is present, it behooves us to be forgiving, realizing that persons sometimes fall short not because they are uncommitted or uncaring, but because they are ignorant of their own limits or struggle with pride in admitting those limits. Forgiveness is not something to be asked for but something to be silently offered – giving the problem back to the person it belongs to for our own piece of mind. At a point much earlier in my spiritual journey, your admonishment of your Socialsite Pals for not joining you in prayer would have felt like a hard and undeserved slap in the face. I likely would have felt betrayed by someone I trusted to accept me. At the same time, I may have felt wrongfully ashamed for not measuring up to your expectations, the expectations of someone I admired. I don’t know how many, if any, of your Socialsite Pals are young in their spiritual journey (which has nothing to do with how long ago they accepted Jesus the Christ as their Savior), but in my Christian youth, feeling rejected, I would have probably quietly disconnected from someone who could help me grow and then drifted farther away from the embracing love of my Lord.

As I said, I don’t know the specific circumstances regarding your request to your Pals. I also know nothing of their replies, their reasons for not joining you. I merely wanted to offer you a perspective you may not have had the opportunity to discover. God bless you. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I hope we continue to have the opportunity to grow together by Spirit’s guidance.