Posts tagged ‘friendship’

Downshifting from Overdrive: Accepting Myself

On most days, my appearance would give you no clue that I struggle with my physical and mental health.

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Occasionally, though, I can't hide my biology's battle against me.

Does anyone remember how in the “way back days” (a boy who I once had guardianship of used this to refer to my younger days), even in an automatic car, you drove in Drive sometimes and in Overdrive sometimes? The two weren’t synonymous. Well, no matter, I’m sure you can fathom what I mean. I keep trying to live my life in Overdrive with the Parking Break on. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. I want to drive, but my health keeps applying the parking break, because I’ve been unwilling to downshift. I’ve been afraid. I’ve been thinking that if I downshifted, I’d be in Neutral and that wasn’t acceptable. You get pushed in Neutral. You get towed away in Neutral. Sometimes in Overdrive with the pedal to the metal and going nowhere because the Parking Break is on, I’ve thought shifting into Reverse was going to help me somehow, like when you rock a car to get yourself unstuck from an icy, three-foot high snowdrift (I grew up on the Chicago latitude). But it hasn’t ever worked because (unlike when I’m driving a car) I’m still in the habit of putting that pedal to the metal so I lurch backwards and slam myself into a tree trunk. Then I’m really going nowhere! All this to say, I don’t want to be lead-footed anymore in Overdrive or Reverse. It’s incredible how long it took me to realize why I wasn’t going anywhere or going so slowly.

Have you driven with your Parking Brake on? The first few times you try, your car holds you locked in place and you realize it. But, imagine the Driver’s Ed teacher keeps secretly setting it because he wants you to quit speeding. He knows you aren’t really in control when you are going so fast. We’ll suppose he’s tried to tell you in other ways, but you just weren’t getting it. It’s not necessarily your fault. It turns out he speaks with a heavy accent; you have to listen really, really hard to catch half of what he’s saying. Well, if he keeps setting it but you don’t know when, you keep pushing that pedal to the metal when you feel that drag. He means well, but sometimes you speed even worse because you anticipate the drag of the brake being on. You are in even less control than before. It’s a strain on you and the car. The brake starts to give. Eventually, when you do it, your car moves but my gosh, it’s like trying to push it uphill all alone! You get so frustrated. Everyone’s passing you by. You can’t get where you want to go. You want to give up, but you won’t. I mean, after all, at least you’re still moving. But inside your engine is burning hard, wearing down. Let’s just say, I’ve really been killing my engine!

I’ve got a lot of updating to do to my “About” page, but to put it briefly, I’ve got 20 chronic health conditions. I use to be an “overachiever”, but I’ve been disabled for many years now. I struggle with activities of daily living, but looking at me and even being around me for a day or two, you probably wouldn’t have a clue. I’ve been in various degrees of denial, not intellectually but emotionally for the most part. I still have found reasons to rejoice here and there, but I’m not happy and I know I’m the only one who can change that. I have the power to choose joy, but it is an “attitude in action” and my attitude, though positive, has been pretty stagnant. I’ve decided I’ve got to try downshifting from Overdrive to Drive. I had to trade in for an older model, one that has that option. So, I may not fit in at first. I don’t like that, but if it means I might start making some progress, it’ll be worth it. This past year – it’s been so hard! I realized I wasn’t going forward, no matter how cool my sports car life looked. I realized how burnt up my engine was. I realized shifting into Reverse didn’t help. I wanted people to pitch in and push. That didn’t work either. I’m so angry. As much as I hate being angry (I mean who really likes it), I’ve got to admit it. I’m angry I didn’t understand what my health problems were trying to tell me. But I’m not going to waste anymore time being angry at myself. Well, that’s probably not true; it’s a hard habit to break, but I, at least, am going to do something different too.

My downshifting is starting right here, with this blog. I’m sure sometimes I’ll still blog my philosophical musings or spiritual meditations or inspirational reflections or political rantings or artistic expressions, but here out this blog is foremost going to be a chronicle of my choice to live my life. That sounds so ordinary, but the key words in there are choice, live, and my. I reminded myself recently when I emotionally vomited an email to someone that my mind doesn’t process things well inside. If I’m going to write, it makes sense that I should use it to help myself, not just others. Often, I’ve shared the lessons I’ve learned but not the process of how I’ve learned them. I look over my blog and sometimes it just seems so stiff and formal, so unapproachable while inside I’m crying out for someone to not only approach but to hold me. Well, how can I ever face writer’s block again if my mind is always going. I’m not going to worry about getting things just right or being right. I’ve known for a long time I’m not “Super Molly,” but I wanted everyone else to think I was. Funny thing is it wasn’t because I needed people to see me as “Super” but because I needed them to see me and since I haven’t figured out who I am yet, I thought I had to show them me as “something”. I didn’t trust they could figure out who I was right along with me. Actually, I think I was a bit afraid they’d figure it out before me and I’d feel like I was being passed by. Hmm, the irony.

I truly believe God speaks through other people and I think it’s important to let people know when they are a vessel of Spirit’s voice in what they say or do. So, many people have contributed to this moment, this particular instant of awakening, but aside from my therapist Tina Marie Dale, LCSW, I want to thank a few special people who probably have no idea how they have touched me. Honestly i don’t know if I can explain except to say that their “being there” and/or genuineness is emboldening me to expose my Self, to love myself enough to slow down. I may have to add to this list as I remember people but here are the people off the top of my head right now…
Barb Efflandt, Rev. Kathleen Thomas, Frankey Landon, @aeTyree, @Read2Write10, @JillMarieinFL, @tetka, my friends at Poetry here And Now, Deborah Helm, Jill & Jo O’Brien, Lady Dawn, Alice Puckett, Jesleen92 (blog: 91 Odd Socks), “Bananas” Charity (blog: charityjh.com), and Wendy Holcolme (blog: Picnic with Ants: Living with Chronic Illnesses). Those names beginning with “@” are the Twitter usernames by which I know them. Many people on Twitter have blogs and I encourage you to check out these Tweeters and their blogs.

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When Friends Disappoint: The Case of Few Partners in Prayer

"Praying Hands" (study for an Apostl...

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It seems that often times, Spirit speaks to me as I’m speaking to others. I’ve decided that such responses are applicable answers to the issues of many more than the one person to whom I’m writing, so I’ve decided to change some key details, so as to share them with you all. This is probably the first in a non-sequential series.

Recently, after a long absence from a social site, I returned to discover a post from a friend that she was disappointed that only a very few of her hundreds of Socialsite Pals had joined her only intermittently to pray for the victims of the disasters in Japan. She declared that she didn’t want to be Pals with such unloving people.

This was my response…

Dearest Kyoko, I can see from your story about not being joined in prayer, that you were very hurt emotionally.  I don’t ever think a person is wrong to express feelings. I noticed though that you used the phrase “call people on the rug”, asserting that it was the right thing to do. To me, this implies judgement. Perhaps you don’t mean it that way. In any case, it is not always wrong to express judgement, but we must do so very cautiously. So, I just want to share a few thoughts, not to correct you, but only to spur your reflection on the matter. I’m well aware I don’t know the details of the situation for any involved. Please don’t feel obligated to explain or feel that you must defend yourself. I’m just going to throw out some scenarios. What doesn’t apply, you can ignore.

You said you were praying hourly. I wonder how many of your Socialsite Pals even knew. The way Socialsite picks “top stories” for my Frontpage, sometimes I forget to click over to “most recent” and miss important stories. Other times, when I’ve been long absent or a lot of people have published, I might miss someone’s story that is hardly an hour old because I get tired of scrolling back. (Granted, this doesn’t happen as much on my current Socialsite account because I’ve limited my Pals but it’s a frequent occurrence on the site I use most!) And perhaps others, like myself, were not even on Socialsite. Now of the ones left, some may have been praying and not publishing. Some may be of the type who have hearts of prayer, offering up prayer for the intentions of those in need or in concert with the intentions of those they care about without remembering all of the details to pray specific words, but nonetheless God hears their prayers just as loudly. Some may have offered fewer prayers but with a deep sincerity that few can manage. Some may have desired to be in hourly prayer with you but could not, perhaps because of exhaustion or obligations to family. We all have different callings. Further, intercession is a spiritual gift. It is not everyone’s gift, and it is no better or worse a gift than any other.

What I’m really trying to say, Kyoko, is that it benefits us and others to believe the best of others unless we have hard evidence to the contrary. Where evidence exists, confrontation is best made directly and privately, allowing the person to make amends rather than potentially shaming them such that they turn further from God. Even when evidence is present, it behooves us to be forgiving, realizing that persons sometimes fall short not because they are uncommitted or uncaring, but because they are ignorant of their own limits or struggle with pride in admitting those limits. Forgiveness is not something to be asked for but something to be silently offered – giving the problem back to the person it belongs to for our own piece of mind. At a point much earlier in my spiritual journey, your admonishment of your Socialsite Pals for not joining you in prayer would have felt like a hard and undeserved slap in the face. I likely would have felt betrayed by someone I trusted to accept me. At the same time, I may have felt wrongfully ashamed for not measuring up to your expectations, the expectations of someone I admired. I don’t know how many, if any, of your Socialsite Pals are young in their spiritual journey (which has nothing to do with how long ago they accepted Jesus the Christ as their Savior), but in my Christian youth, feeling rejected, I would have probably quietly disconnected from someone who could help me grow and then drifted farther away from the embracing love of my Lord.

As I said, I don’t know the specific circumstances regarding your request to your Pals. I also know nothing of their replies, their reasons for not joining you. I merely wanted to offer you a perspective you may not have had the opportunity to discover. God bless you. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I hope we continue to have the opportunity to grow together by Spirit’s guidance.

I Care – poem for internet friends

I Care
*Dedicated to my very special friends on the web…*

Sometimes the hustle of life holds me hostage.
Other times timidity ties me in knots.
Explanations and excuses that stretch on extinguish
the light of love meant to hold you, but it matters not
when or ever we last stood face-to-face
or how long or how little we are acquainted,
here in this place, our cyber-connection,
sometime when I needed it most, kept me going.
So -whether it’s with illness, inner pain, or confusion
that your struggle calls out to me – I want you to know,
even when you do not hear or see my words,
even when my conscious has no thought of you,
I am with you. For my heart shares its abundance of love and
my soul answers your cries with the tenderest of embraces.
Be assured I haven’t forgotten you. You are unforgettable.
And don’t ever think no one cares because I do.

(This poem was previously published  on a site called DailyStrength. I’ve since revised it.)