Posts tagged ‘change’

Downshifting from Overdrive: Accepting Myself

On most days, my appearance would give you no clue that I struggle with my physical and mental health.

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Occasionally, though, I can't hide my biology's battle against me.

Does anyone remember how in the “way back days” (a boy who I once had guardianship of used this to refer to my younger days), even in an automatic car, you drove in Drive sometimes and in Overdrive sometimes? The two weren’t synonymous. Well, no matter, I’m sure you can fathom what I mean. I keep trying to live my life in Overdrive with the Parking Break on. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. I want to drive, but my health keeps applying the parking break, because I’ve been unwilling to downshift. I’ve been afraid. I’ve been thinking that if I downshifted, I’d be in Neutral and that wasn’t acceptable. You get pushed in Neutral. You get towed away in Neutral. Sometimes in Overdrive with the pedal to the metal and going nowhere because the Parking Break is on, I’ve thought shifting into Reverse was going to help me somehow, like when you rock a car to get yourself unstuck from an icy, three-foot high snowdrift (I grew up on the Chicago latitude). But it hasn’t ever worked because (unlike when I’m driving a car) I’m still in the habit of putting that pedal to the metal so I lurch backwards and slam myself into a tree trunk. Then I’m really going nowhere! All this to say, I don’t want to be lead-footed anymore in Overdrive or Reverse. It’s incredible how long it took me to realize why I wasn’t going anywhere or going so slowly.

Have you driven with your Parking Brake on? The first few times you try, your car holds you locked in place and you realize it. But, imagine the Driver’s Ed teacher keeps secretly setting it because he wants you to quit speeding. He knows you aren’t really in control when you are going so fast. We’ll suppose he’s tried to tell you in other ways, but you just weren’t getting it. It’s not necessarily your fault. It turns out he speaks with a heavy accent; you have to listen really, really hard to catch half of what he’s saying. Well, if he keeps setting it but you don’t know when, you keep pushing that pedal to the metal when you feel that drag. He means well, but sometimes you speed even worse because you anticipate the drag of the brake being on. You are in even less control than before. It’s a strain on you and the car. The brake starts to give. Eventually, when you do it, your car moves but my gosh, it’s like trying to push it uphill all alone! You get so frustrated. Everyone’s passing you by. You can’t get where you want to go. You want to give up, but you won’t. I mean, after all, at least you’re still moving. But inside your engine is burning hard, wearing down. Let’s just say, I’ve really been killing my engine!

I’ve got a lot of updating to do to my “About” page, but to put it briefly, I’ve got 20 chronic health conditions. I use to be an “overachiever”, but I’ve been disabled for many years now. I struggle with activities of daily living, but looking at me and even being around me for a day or two, you probably wouldn’t have a clue. I’ve been in various degrees of denial, not intellectually but emotionally for the most part. I still have found reasons to rejoice here and there, but I’m not happy and I know I’m the only one who can change that. I have the power to choose joy, but it is an “attitude in action” and my attitude, though positive, has been pretty stagnant. I’ve decided I’ve got to try downshifting from Overdrive to Drive. I had to trade in for an older model, one that has that option. So, I may not fit in at first. I don’t like that, but if it means I might start making some progress, it’ll be worth it. This past year – it’s been so hard! I realized I wasn’t going forward, no matter how cool my sports car life looked. I realized how burnt up my engine was. I realized shifting into Reverse didn’t help. I wanted people to pitch in and push. That didn’t work either. I’m so angry. As much as I hate being angry (I mean who really likes it), I’ve got to admit it. I’m angry I didn’t understand what my health problems were trying to tell me. But I’m not going to waste anymore time being angry at myself. Well, that’s probably not true; it’s a hard habit to break, but I, at least, am going to do something different too.

My downshifting is starting right here, with this blog. I’m sure sometimes I’ll still blog my philosophical musings or spiritual meditations or inspirational reflections or political rantings or artistic expressions, but here out this blog is foremost going to be a chronicle of my choice to live my life. That sounds so ordinary, but the key words in there are choice, live, and my. I reminded myself recently when I emotionally vomited an email to someone that my mind doesn’t process things well inside. If I’m going to write, it makes sense that I should use it to help myself, not just others. Often, I’ve shared the lessons I’ve learned but not the process of how I’ve learned them. I look over my blog and sometimes it just seems so stiff and formal, so unapproachable while inside I’m crying out for someone to not only approach but to hold me. Well, how can I ever face writer’s block again if my mind is always going. I’m not going to worry about getting things just right or being right. I’ve known for a long time I’m not “Super Molly,” but I wanted everyone else to think I was. Funny thing is it wasn’t because I needed people to see me as “Super” but because I needed them to see me and since I haven’t figured out who I am yet, I thought I had to show them me as “something”. I didn’t trust they could figure out who I was right along with me. Actually, I think I was a bit afraid they’d figure it out before me and I’d feel like I was being passed by. Hmm, the irony.

I truly believe God speaks through other people and I think it’s important to let people know when they are a vessel of Spirit’s voice in what they say or do. So, many people have contributed to this moment, this particular instant of awakening, but aside from my therapist Tina Marie Dale, LCSW, I want to thank a few special people who probably have no idea how they have touched me. Honestly i don’t know if I can explain except to say that their “being there” and/or genuineness is emboldening me to expose my Self, to love myself enough to slow down. I may have to add to this list as I remember people but here are the people off the top of my head right now…
Barb Efflandt, Rev. Kathleen Thomas, Frankey Landon, @aeTyree, @Read2Write10, @JillMarieinFL, @tetka, my friends at Poetry here And Now, Deborah Helm, Jill & Jo O’Brien, Lady Dawn, Alice Puckett, Jesleen92 (blog: 91 Odd Socks), “Bananas” Charity (blog: charityjh.com), and Wendy Holcolme (blog: Picnic with Ants: Living with Chronic Illnesses). Those names beginning with “@” are the Twitter usernames by which I know them. Many people on Twitter have blogs and I encourage you to check out these Tweeters and their blogs.

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You CAN be Perfect!

Figure 20 from Charles Darwin's The Expression...

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To affirm, simply put, is to add firmness to. To affirm yourself, therefore, is to add firmness to you and to your self, to strengthen both your definition of yourself and your very being. Start by affirming what is known truth – you are human. What does it mean to be human? A human is not all powerful. A human is not all knowing. A human is imperfect. A human feels. Emotions convey a message. Fear tells us we do not know something. Fear is  useful. Fear is normal. Fear is to be expected. We have no reason to fear fear. Likewise, we have no reason to act is if we are fearless or to avoid anything that might evoke fear. Doing so reflects a form of perfectionism. Do not be afraid to fail or to succeed. You can be perfect – perfectly human, perfectly you.
We are meant to strive toward perfection, but neither to reach it nor to expect to reach it. To have a different mindset is to challenge God, to believe we can be equal. To judge ourselves unworthy of God’s love and mercy reflects an expectation that we can be perfect. Thus we manifest our true sin, pride. In refusing God’s love and likewise refusing to love ourselves, God’s creation, we withdraw our trust in God alone. We again forget we are of God. We no longer clearly and consistently recognize God. We begin to fail to see the God in others, but rather see only the façade which their separation from God requires them to create. We, in turn, seek affection from them instead of the God within they are meant to manifest. Hence, God is no longer our first and only love. We lose our way. We separate ourselves even further from the source of our very being, the only Perfect, in whom when we are ultimately united we are perfected in love.
So quit trying to be perfect. When anxieties arise, recognize the feeling as a reminder that you are human, just as you are meant to be. Rejoice that you do not know everything because it is not your responsibility or your burden. Affirm that you not only have a right to be afraid, but that it is normal to fear. Yes, I say rejoice that you have been wonderfully made, that you are extraordinarily ordinary. Rejoice that you know God and that God’s strength is yours for the asking. Just for today, choose to be, strive to be perfectly human. Tell yourself, ” I am perfectly human, naturally flawed, extraordinarily ordinary, wonderfully unique. I am meant to feel and to fail, to find favor and forgiveness in the fullness of God, forever and the only the Perfector of Souls.”  AFFIRMATION: Just for today, I accept and rejoice that I am a human being, created and loveable just as I am.

Two Ships That Crash in the Night: Bipolar, Personality, Relationships

The Starry Night

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Failed relationships amongst people with Bipolar occurs for multiple reason, almost all of which are rectifiable, so there IS HOPE.  1) Ignorance – educate yourself about Bipolar in a way that you can accurately relay it to others besides just explaining how you “feel” or what you “do”. Gain more of a medical understanding. From there, consider how and when to educate others – my Journal entry, “Do You Hear Me? Are You With Me?” may be helpful. 2) Alienation – Persons with Bipolar have a low tolerance for distress and difficulty with emotional regulation. All people when highly stressed, revert to unhealthy coping skills and make unhealthy choices.  When we do so, we alienate (push away) others. As we make healthier coping skills habit, learn distress tolerance and emotional regulation techniques, employ tactics for reducing our overall stress-load and make amends for past harmful actions, we ill see improvements in our relationships. Although originally designed for the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is fast becoming the method most successful in treating a variety of disorders marked by emotional dysregulation, including Bipolar Disorder. DBT is an interactive educational therapy, usually presented to a group in a class with the support of individual DBT coaching to learn application of the techniques to personal circumstances. However, even if it is not available in your area, you are not without options. There is a DBT workbook just for persons with Bipolar. You can also check out http://www.dbtselfhelp.com. Therapy in general is a key component of treatment for Bipolar. 3) Withdrawal – Whether because we feel misunderstood, we’re afraid of hurting others or of embarrassing ourselves, or because getting out just seems like too much effort, we CHOOSE to withdraw. Isolating ourselves is probably the worst thing to do if we want recovery but the easiest thing to cling to if we want to avoid change. Recovery requires change. Change necessitates loss. Loss leads to grief. The process of grief, until resolved, is unpleasant. When the pain of remaining the same is more than the pain of change, it is then that we begin to recover. For most o f us, recovery is stop and start. Far too many people stop here and don’t start again. That is called choosing misery. Misery is the opposite of joy. It is an attitude in action, reject and retreat. Misery is not to be confused with sadness, an emotional response to stimuli. It also is not depression, a neurobiological response to a chemical imbalance caused by genetic defect, neurological damage or the exhaustion of our ability to cope. Being miserable is a cognitive response, sometimes a subconscious one, to our emotions. 4) Personality Disorder – The Personality Disorders Described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) were designed to reflect the natural tendencies of all persons when highly stressed. When unhealthy patterns of relating to others becomes habitually, usually due to diminished coping resources or prolonged high levels of stress, and create disorder (a repeated inability to function in a way beneficial to one’s progress toward self-actualization) in a person’s life, such person usually meets the criteria for a Personality Disorder. It should be easy to see why persons with one of the major psychiatric conditions is also likely to have a Personality Diagnosis. However, it is SO common that many psychiatrist don’t bother making a separate diagnosis. Most therapists operate under an assumption that such a diagnosis exists, with certain ones being more common to each of the various Axis I diagnoses, which in turn often gives them a clue to appropriate areas of focus for intervention. Whether a “full-fledged” Personality Disorder exists or not, our common patterns of relating that arise from our struggle with Bipolar, rather than the actual symptoms of Bipolar are more often the cause of our failed relationships than anything else. This is one of the most compelling reasons to enter long-term therapy with an appropriately trained professional. Armed with this knowledge and these suggestions, you can put an end to loneliness as soon as you are ready. I am on the journey myself. Come join me.

Imagined Reality – image

Reality, you seem so true, but I know I only imagined you. Tomorrow, I’ll imagine a brighter hue. Indeed, we are co-creators and tomorrow is another day! Be mindful of the present. Believe in the power of a positive attitude. Be willing to dream and create. Perception is quite the artist, but attitude is its muse. Hope. Live. Love.

How to Love Stupid People

warning about stupidity

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I first must make clear that ignorance is a lack of knowledge, skills, or understanding. While stupidity is often interchanged with the word ignorant, its theoretical meaning differs vastly. The outcome of both may produce the same actions, but stupidity is in fact a character defect rather than a condition. Both may prevail unceasingly until death, but the latter is far more difficult to eradicate. Stupidity in the sense that I mean it here is better equated with a lack of willingness, a mental attitude that dismisses evidence and experience and reason, the source or sister to insanity – that being the repetition of destructive or self-destructive acts with the expectation that the consequences of one’s actions will magically lose their destructive force and may in fact result in the opposite. Ignorance is relatively easy to remedy – feed the mind and the rest will follow. Stupidity however requires patience, fervent effort, and diligence. To step beyond stupidity requires a deep humility, so deep as to see ourselves exactly for who we are with no judgment at all – positive or negative. Many are not capable of such honesty. Second, before I continue, I want you the reader to know that neither ignorance nor stupidity can be generalized to every part of a person’s being. So, like my co-contributors (as you’ll see this theme elsewhere), I could never truthfully or with good conscience call a person stupid or ignorant, except rarely perhaps if I qualified in what manner or area. For we are all stupid and ignorant in some manner to some degree at different points in our life.
Now, why is such clarification necessary? It is needed because it is a groundwork upon which we may develop empathy, grow in our ability to forgive, find serenity and live with joy. Never have I come to a point of perfection in these goals, but also never have I gotten a start without first building on my understanding of my own and others’ ignorance and stupidity in any situation. Furthermore, failing to do so has sadly led me to act “unrighteously” with a self-righteous attitude more than once. Recently our prayer group discussed how to handle being accused of something unfairly by someone in fact guilt of what they accused you. Sometimes we hold certain persons to higher expectations because of their intelligence or their charisma. We think they ought to know better. We must remember that we’ve all been privy to experiences uniquely our own and each experience affects how we assimilate learning from the next. Therefore, even two children brought up in the same household with the same parents in what seems much the same way experience life differently and therefore do not share exactly the same knowledge, skills, and understanding. So back to the issue our group discussed, I do not wish to focus on the details but just to offer some general thoughts. Without a doubt, knowing little of most people’s lives, it behooves me for my own peace of mind to assume that a person acts unkindly out of ignorance rather than stupidity. Afterall, I have a much better chance of positively influencing them and less reason to take their actions personally.
So, it is important to bear in mind that the strength with which one conveys her/his convictions or the hurtful manner in which s/he delivers them does not negate the presence of ignorance. In fact, it proves it all the more. For a person who is not ignorant of how to be assertive has not reason to be anything but assertive, for in communication nothing is gained and more is lost by aggression, passive-aggression and passivity than by assertion. And since it by communication that we relate, a most necessary aspect of our humanity and our spiritual growth, a person not ignorant of assertion would choose to be assertive. Only someone with no interest in spiritual growth or righteousness AND yet with knowledge of how to be assertive who chooses to act in an unassertive manner could be found entirely at fault in choosing to thus communicate. Of course such a person would likely not care enough to consistently be assertive, for they would likely not care about the rights of others and neither would they likely care what anyone thought of their choices. In such a case though, does not Jesus advise us two things? One, we are told to set right in their pathway those of our OWN Christian community and then only according to the administration of justice upheld by our community. Two, where the gospel is rebuked, we are to shake even the dust of where we have tread from our feet. On a final note I must say, if I persist in choosing to feel slighted by others’ ignorance, I am stupid. Now, certainly, much more could be said on this subject, but I think we have found an adequately place to let the issue rest. God be with you.

Surviving Loss: Unexpected Death of a Close Loved One

Inconsolable grief

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Originally published November 27, 2010

Everyone grieves in a unique way.  You can’t do it wrong.  You will do it even if no one tells you how. Any change presents a loss.  One of the losses most difficult to manage is the unexpected death of someone we love dearly and rely on heavily; most often this is a spouse, sibling, parent, or best friend.  You may feel completely overwhelmed and question your ability to cope.  People may be there for you but you can’t even think straight about what you need.  You go through motions that seem like living, but nothing seems real.  Life in rich Technicolor high-definition 3D wide-screen now seems to be trapped in a 12 inch black-and-white TV with poor reception.  You can’t imagine how you’ll carry on.  Luckily, reality doesn’t need to be imagined.

The reality is you will survive.  You will recover . Things won’t ever be the same, but they won’t be worse – just different.  You will struggle.  You will change and you will grow.  You will accept the loss, not because it will mean any less, but because it will become a part of you and your journey.  How do I know?  I know because you want it . You asked for help by reading this article.  Some are content to be miserable.  You aren’t.  You are willing or at least willing to be willing to do what needs to be done to find contentment again.  You are willing to surrender to a power greater than you, even if it is just the people about you with whom you’ve shared this piece of your pain.  You have the will to be filled with and to share what all those who know and have ever known you love.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  The way is your personal journey of healing.

Because much of life does not come with an instruction manual, including dealing with loss, we can only rely on our own experience and that of others to work through such difficult times.  We will discover some people want to help, while others are too emotionally fragile.  Bear in mind that while you are struggling with your loss, you will not be able to fulfill some of the needs others have relied upon you to fill.  Whether purposeful or not, relieving yourself of some of your responsibilities is necessary to muster the energy to deal with your loss.  As you may be struggling to find the support your recently passed loved one provided, others near you may realize they need to build their support system as well.  Though painful, this is one small way in which a significant loss can bring about good.

In today’s society, where family is spread far apart and friends are often few and superficially squeezed into our busy lives, we very often rely too heavily on just a few individuals to meet all of our needs.  We must learn to reach out and connect.  We must learn to identify our needs and search out multiple ways of meeting them.  We aren’t looking to replace the one we’ve lost but rather to join in community with the larger web of existence.  We are meant to be interdependent as a species.  No one or few people should be our sole support anymore than we should put ourselves in that role for someone else.  The sooner we began this journey of self-discovery and connection, the sooner the devastating effects of our loss will subside.  Remember, too, that no one leaves the world untouched. The imprint of your loved one is pressed into more than your heart and memory. How you travel this journey will be unique to you. As a starting point, I’ve offered below what helped me most in my earliest days of grieving different losses in my life. I wish I had had them all at my disposal from the beginning, but surviving loss continues to be a learning process for me. I only hope that my experience will make yours more bearable.

Connect With Your Emotions
*Use art to express your emotions (you don’t have to be an artist).
*Journal, write letters to your departed loved one, or write stream of conscious about one emotion you pick to focus on.
*Make some dates with yourself, maybe 30 minutes twice per day (to start), to fully honor your need to feel your feelings and equally honor your need to take a break from them.
*Attend a grief support group or see an individual therapist specializing in grief;

Connect the Past & Present
*Reminisce aloud or write about happy memories, especially ones that make you laugh, as much as possible.
*Make a list of what you learned from the person who is no longer with you.
*Try to get to know better the younger generation whose genes your loved one passed on.
*Contemplate your loved ones legacy and continued presence: donations s/he made to charities, something s/he helped create, words s/he wrote, causes s/he supported, traditions, etc;

Connect With Others Who Shared in Your Loved One’s Life
*Ask other people to contribute to the above or below.
*Gather some help to put together a memory box or scrapbook of your loved one’s life for a younger generation of your family or his/hers.
*As you are confronted with handling your loved ones belongings or things s/he gave you, consider what you might part with knowing how it could touch someone else’s heart.

Connect With the World Around You
*Force yourself to be around people as much as possible, but don’t force yourself to interact if it’s too exhausting.
*Invite people over; let them know you don’t feel like being alone but don’t necessarily want to do anything particular.
*Visit museums or library events or explore other out-of-home interests, especially ones your loved one may not have enjoyed, that don’t expect anything of you.
*Fully engage yourself in whatever you are doing, redirecting your attention to your five senses if you become distracted by your inner turmoil.

A Letter to Sexual Offenders

Sexual Offenders,
No matter who you abused or how, you created pain and a lasting mark.  The wound scabs over and gets ripped open repeatedly until finally, at some point in active recovery, it becomes a scar.  I used to feel I didn’t belong, that people could see I was different.  Regardless of the circumstances, I was ashamed I didn’t fight back more, that I didn’t stop it from happening.  I didn’t think I even belonged in a victim support group because my story of abuse was different, not so bad.  But I discovered our story after the abuse is what bound us together.

When I first started remembering the abuse and started in consistent therapy to deal with the issues, I was having the panicked feeling of being followed almost all the time.  I started only hanging either in large groups or by myself.  I began having body memories of pain in my genital area and other areas I later discovered were related to the terrifying visuals that soon after began to destroy my sleep. Sometimes I disassociated, losing all awareness and memory for a length of time.  You can imagine the impact on my safety, daily routine, and relationships.  I also had no memory of my childhood at all, only recalling the still photos of our family albums.  I felt so incomplete.

So, what about the scab-ripping?  One way it occurs is through re-experiencing the abuse when triggered by sensory cues. Another, more subtle way is the ingraining of self-destructive beliefs and patterning of self-destructive behaviors.  I honestly can’t verify some memories of my abuse, but they emerged without any suggestion or prompt and my “experience” of them is very real.  Other memories, some I can verify, are so horrific that my mind still doesn’t want to believe.  Likewise, other people also don’t want to believe.  Thus, years after starting recovery, I still struggle with doubting my reality, even beyond my memories of abuse.  Consequently, I sometimes feel disconnected and insecure.

I lived in a household where personal boundaries weren’t respected much and the earliest of my abuse occurred when I was just a toddler.  I internalized this, believing it was normal to be violated, and was sexually abused by a few more people over a few years starting about 5 years later.  I growingly felt “dirty” and powerless.  Another 5 years later, I agreed to degrading sexual acts with a peer under the manipulative promise it would stop if I cooperated.  When it didn’t stop, I told and my freaky peer was firmly scared off, but I wasn’t given opportunity to say anything more.  He wasn’t punished.  I wasn’t comforted.

Yet another 5 years later, I was acquaintance-raped.  I laid stiffly without word or reaction, disassociated most of the time.  By that time, I had deeply repressed all memories of former abuse.  At one point during the rape, I had the opportunity to yell out to persons passing by not far away, but my mouth was covered and I was restrained by my abuser’s body.  I realized afterward that someone might have heard my muffled yell for help, but in that moment, I had thought only, “He’ll kill you… and you deserve it.”  Then I left my body again.  In the few years after, I entered into two brief but emotionally abusive and physically threatening relationships because I reveled in the moments I was treated as if I was special and I felt so very lucky that someone said, “I love you.”  I didn’t feel lovable anymore.  I stuffed everything more and more until one day, about 3 years later, the wall started to bust open.  I entered therapy to begin dismantling that wall, intending to rebuild it as a proper retaining wall with a gate I could control.

I started writing this letter to you about four years into recovery.  I’ve since added.  At that time, I thought the wounds had mostly become scars.  My perspective had changed to seeing myself as a survivor rather than a victim.  I had been in a healthy relationship for over a year.  I had learned how to trust and build meaningful, interdependent friendships.  At that time, my panic attacks had become few and infrequent and remained so for years.  I had learned and practiced incessantly how to define and defend boundaries, how to identify and share my emotions, and how to recognize and assert my rights.

Nonetheless, I remained afflicted with recurrent bouts of depression lacking clearly identifiable causes.  I was still easily triggered, almost always on edge, and felt as if the wall was crushing down on me anytime I tried to let my emotions through. Less than a year after finishing this letter the first time, I decided I was recovered enough and chose to not continue therapy when I relocated to another state.  Even when I did start therapy again, I glossed over my abuse history, unwilling to feel too much, to feel victimized by my own lack of emotional control.  I lost touch with myself, ignoring unpleasant feelings so I could deny them.

Recovery is a long process that requires active, committed participation.  I had quit recovery.  For a number of years, I carried on – but only by expending a tremendous amount of energy to stay “in control.”  In actuality, I was losing more and more control.  My life became increasingly consumed by obsessions and compulsions into which I channeled my anxiety.  While I fell in love and much of the time managed to relate in a healthy way, I made choices that deeply impacted my life out of fear that expressing my feelings would crush me and the relationship.  I continued to doubt my reality and my worth, but denied that unpleasant reality as well.

One night, I ignored clues of something askew.  I put myself in a vulnerable position.  I had lulled myself into believing I was so in control that when confronted with needing to be in control, I instead once again became mentally impotent.  A person in an authority position touched me in private areas, directed me to do the same, and held onto me when I tried to pull away.  Instead of summoning my strength and persisting to free myself, I shrunk in fear.  Like the nearly powerless toddler I once had been, I drifted in and out of awareness.  I didn’t want to believe what was happening, so I had tried to find humor in the situation.  Now I couldn’t laugh anymore, except cruelly at myself.  In one instant I illogically feared further harm if I resisted, while in another I felt I deserved all the pain I was enduring and more.  Someone I trusted was taking advantage of me.  I hated stupid, stupid me.

I was at last able to talk myself out of the situation, but left still locked in a behavioral fantasy of “everything is fine.”  I felt an incredible self-loathing.  All of my memories re-emerged full force.  My emotions alternately hid well-cloaked in denial and spewed out like vomit.   All the symptoms that I had been struggling with and the ones that had previously dissolved now preyed upon me endlessly.  I found no relief until I committed myself to recovery again and began the difficult process of acknowledging and accepting my reality and myself.  I’m still struggling, wanting the relief of recovery but fighting the process.

I’ve discovered more of who I am and who I want to be.  I’m developing courage, a passion of the heart.  Sometimes I despise my therapist because she makes me work so hard.  She pushes me until my own anger breaks away that unhealthy wall, but she’s there to help me rebuild – mainly by helping me grasp that I am capable.  When time stretches between sessions now, I feel the momentum of my self-discovery lapse.  I’m going to start seeing her more for the very reason that it terrifies me, but staying the same terrifies me more.  I don’t want to be a victim again and I don’t want to hurt others by my refusal to become the better me I’m meant to be.

Recovery is a choice.  I know many if not all offenders were victimized in one way or another themselves.  I forgive you.  I give you your guilt back for my peace of mind.  You hurt me and you have no excuse.  We are adults.  We each have a right and a responsibility to be the best person we can be.  I won’t blame you.  I won’t give that power away.  I am not powerless, even if I sometimes feel that way.  I will choose as many times as needed to accept MY reality, including you and my “experience.”  I will choose – as often as needed – to change, to grow into the me I’m meant to be.  I choose to believe I am worth it and to believe you are too.  When I can see me for who I am, my wounds will only be scars.  And when I can see that those scars do not define me, I will at last be the me I’m meant to be.  I am committed.  I won’t quit again.  I will succeed.